Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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