Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Randomize
