I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
