I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
