I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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