he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize