is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He better not be in your backpack
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We're too hungover to prance.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize