Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
