I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize