I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
