Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
