New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
