don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
