I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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