Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize