my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize