I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
