It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
