the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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