Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
