The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
