My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
