Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
