An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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