the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
