Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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