mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I looked at my own cervix.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
PANTIES FOUND
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