so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
