I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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