I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
