i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
