Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
