ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize