Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize