why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
