Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
