why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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