It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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