break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
True but thats because hes a fetus.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
