its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
