Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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