1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
420 ftw
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
