My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
