haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
