I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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