upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
