too bad you live with your parents still
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
