Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
