there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
