I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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