My first STD was from a foam party
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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