If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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