I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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