The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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