You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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