Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
