i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
