I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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