Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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