Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
