Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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