do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
