So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
