you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
