WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
