just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
